Coping with Bossy People - including parents

This post has received Santa Claus's Seal of Approval. Did you know that Roland and Santa co-authored a book on parenting?    Here is the link

Dear Roland,

My name is Sean. My mom is bossy and orders me around. When she orders me to do something, she says it in such a mean way that it makes me angry and tempts me to want to do the opposite of what she says.  I feel like a slave, which also makes me angry.  I don’t want to disobey my mom, but even though I don’t want to—that’s what I feel. Same with my dad. Sometimes he seems angry and I don’t feel like doing what he says. Do you have any advice for me?

   Parents: Before you read my response to Sean, let me provide a little background. It might help you remember what it felt like to be a kid with someone giving you a really hard time. Remembering how you felt might awaken understanding. 

     Kids naturally want to obey their parents. Where many parents get themselves into trouble is by being impatient, too bossy, by being unnecessarily harsh, or by using pressure. This makes it hard for the child to comply without resenting you or even rebelling.

    Permit me to give one or two examples. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen moms grab a child's arm harshly or yell at the child.  It makes me wince. 

    People need space. Even little kids.  One very wise mom used to talk to the pictures hanging on the wall. There she stood, washing dishes and talking to the pictures. But while she was talking to the pictures, the child heard what she was saying. That way, the child gets the message and has space too.

   To put it succinctly: a pressuring parent actually tempts the child to resent her. This is sad, because no child wants to resent his or her parent. A pressuring parent produces two kinds of response. One child conforms, but becomes weak and an approval seeker. His character is destroyed by doing what the authority says for approval and perks.

   The other child becomes a rebel. He cannot help but rebel against any authority that 

reminds him of his nagging or pressuring parent. This child becomes the drop out, the drug addict, the one in prison. He is full of hate and anger, and his rebellion hurts himself.

   Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our parents had great wisdom, grace, kindness, understanding, and nobility?

    Full of grace, loving principle, and using reason, kindness, and common sense—their every request would be perfectly acceptable to our conscience. It would make such good sense, and their manner of requesting it would be so full of nobility, that there would be nothing to rebel against. When we would conform to their request, it would actually be the same as conforming to our intuition and conscience.

    It would also be nice if Dad were the noble knight, the Moses, the George Washington of the family. So good and so respected would he be, that mom would gladly follow such a noble man. Father would serve good, and when she and the kids followed father, it would be the same as serving good.

    Unfortunately, in many homes dad is weak, or he is angry and clams up. Mom resents him or holds him in contempt. Often, dad is not even there—having long flown the coup, leaving mom to deal with the kids without her husband.

    Some dads are there at home, but they are weak people pleasers. Some dads are like big kids themselves. This tempts mom to be contemptuous. She has to take charge, since dad has abdicated. So she rules the home with her kind of authority, which sometimes is manipulative or bossy.

    Plus, she resents her weak husband. She resents him for not being there for her. And she resents him for saddling her with the responsibility of disciplining the kids. Angry and frustrated, she sometimes takes it out on the kids.

    So parents: please do me a big favor and watch your tone of voice. Be kind. If necessary be firm, but be kind at the same time.

    If you resent your wife or your husband (or something that made you angry at work), then first let go of that resentment before you talk to your child.  

   Otherwise, there is a tendency to take it out on them (because they are small).

   Be patient and have understanding. How? By dropping resentment and letting go of anger.

   When resentment is gone (and with it other facets of resentment, such as bitterness, unhappiness, and negative thoughts), then anger goes away too. And when resentment and anger are gone, what is left is: good natured kindness, compassion, love, common sense, and understanding.

Now here’s my response to the listener’s question.

   Sean,

   Here is the secret to complying with your mom (or any authority) who tempts you to rebel.

  One, don’t resent your mom.

  Two, check with your intuition. Let a heartbeat go by. If what you have been asked to do does not conflict with intuition (what you know in your heart is right), and if it is right or wise to do it—then go ahead.

  But here is the key point: you are complying with your conscience. Your conscience (what you wordlessly know in your heart is right) did not stop you. Your conscience wordlessly said that it is wise to cooperate.

   So you are actually obeying your conscience! You are cooperating with the authority because your conscience says it is right to do so.

  Do you see the subtlety? It is hard to comply and hard not to resent someone who is bossy, mean, pressuring, or phony. The secret of obeying your conscience is a good protection when you encounter anyone who tempts you to resent; be it a cruel big brother, a bossy big sister, a sneaky babysitter, or a mean spirited teacher.

 Their attitude tempts us to resent them, and to comply resentfully or to rebel resentfully.

  Here is the secret to remaining your own person and maintaining your freedom, when a parent (or anyone, for that matter) makes a demand. If someone asks you to do something—don’t resent them. Let a heartbeat go by.

  Check with your intuition. If your intuition wordlessly says it is okay, then go ahead and cooperate. Not because you are being bossed around, but because your intuition says it is okay.

 The other person won't know it, but you are actually obeying your conscience not them.

 In other words if nothing restrains you, and the request sits right with you, then follow your intuition by cooperating with the request.

  By not resenting your mom, you are doing what God said (He said to honor, in other words, not resent our parents). And by checking with your conscience (which is from God), you are complying and obeying conscience--not the other person.

  God gives us intuition (conscience). When you obey conscience by not resenting your mom, and by good naturedly cooperating with her request, you are doing what God wants. He wants us to honor and not resent our parent, and to do what they say (as long as it is proper, of course).

  Now the other person may think that you are obeying them. Let them think what they will. You secretly know that you are following conscience.

  Here’s another example. You are doing some yard work with your dad, and dad is giving orders. He gets angry at you for not raking the leaves like he said, and he angrily tells you to redo the job. His tone of voice and manner is so mean that it tempts you to balk. Don’t resent him. Check with your intuition. It is wise to follow his directions (and unwise to rebel). So just do the wise thing, the right thing, and cooperate.

 Do you see the subtle difference? Tempted to resent by his tone of voice, you are then left with only two options: resentfully obey with anger; or resentfully rebel and do something dumb. Neither is a good choice.

   Instead do what you see is wise. That way you can ignore his tone of voice and cooperate because you see that it is wise to do so. 

  Of course, if someone (at school or at work, for example) asks you to do something that is wrong (you check with your conscience and it restrains you), then just don’t do it. If you are working somewhere and you are asked to do something that is illegal or wrong, then just don’t do it.  Find another job.

  If someone at work asks in a syrupy sweet voice (really a couched demand) that you do something for them; and it’s not your job and you have other stuff to do, then just politely decline.  Go about your business and don’t feel guilty about it.

  If people try to pressure you (such as a teacher pressuring you to do better), then check with your intuition. If it wordlessly says that it is wise to go along (in other words it’s foolish to get yourself in trouble at school), then just do the best you can. If you can’t live up to their expectations, don't worry about it. Go through the motions if necessary. Just do the best you can, and don’t resent the person.  

 The secret is to obey conscience and not resent others. That way you remain free.

  If your mom asks you to take the garbage out (or whatever) but says it in a bossy or mean way, then first of all: don’t resent her. Second: check with your conscience. Most likely there won’t be any impediment to helping your mom out.

  Since you see that it is wise and right to cooperate, then good naturedly take the garbage out.  You will have done the right thing, and you will have maintained your selfhood. Most importantly, you will not have resented your mom.

It is very important to practice not resenting others or their demands, teases, or suggestions. By not resenting them, it makes it much easier to say "no" to improper things.   

When we resent, we feel guilty for the resentment and then the tendency is to give in to the demand to get rid of the guilt. So just don't resent. Or if you have already, then just see it let it go.  One kid was teased by peers to smoke. She resisted, but when she went home he mom accused her of smoking, and so she resented her mom and then smoked (since she was accused anyway). So watch out for resentment toward others or toward yourself.