Author Speaks Out Against Excessive Discipline and Domestic Violence

"Should parents spank their kids? "

Absolutely not," says Roland Trujillo, pastor, lecturer, and author of 17 books. "It is totally unnecessary."  

"For 25 plus years I have advocated against spanking. What does spanking accomplish? It introduces the child to fear, to trauma, and often to rage. It turns some children into fearful conformists, and others into rebels because of their hatred of the parent who used violence on them. 

Spanking is often a euphemism for something much worse. Inflicting harm on an innocent defenseless child is despicable. It is bullying--the evidence of a tyrant, a large person hurting a small person. It is evidence of lack of patience, kindness, gentleness, self control, forbearance, and wisdom.

It is a massive betrayal. 

Here are two things that need to be stated.

Child abuse is a little known contributing factor of violence against women. The male child who is beaten, slapped, spanned, yelled at, teased, or verbally abused by a mother, aunt or older sister is often humiliated and then has life long anger issues and is full of suppressed rage against women. He also has anger and resentment toward his father who stood by and let it happen or who was not there.

A father who spanks and harms a child is quite likely cutting that child off, through the child's resentment, from ever really and truly finding God. In the eyes of a child, father stands in for God. The angry, rigid, violent father does nothing but tempt the child to fear and resent him. But a person cannot love the Father he cannot see if he hates the father he can see. 

Do you see the cruel irony? The hypocritical parent who uses discipline, teaching character, and even religion as an excuse to do violence to a little child is tempting the child to hate the God that the parent pretends to represent. 


Spiritual recovery for the adult child can only occur if he or she is able to let go of the resentment toward the father. 

Any form of violence in the home is wrong and not good. It is unnecessary and counterproductive.

Anger and impatience are also wrong and counterproductive.

I am republishing this blog post with the hope that perhaps a mom or a dad somewhere stumbles on this and says--"what I'm doing now is not working. My child and I are growing apart. The more I punish, the more she rebels. Someday my child will hate me, or be trapped into loving me out of guilt for hating me underneath."

I'm hoping that somewhere there is a parent who out of sheer love for their child is willing to think outside the box and say, maybe there is another way. A way that is based in patience and understanding. God help all the little children who are physically hit, verbally abused, rejected, or who are being drugged with psychotropic drugs.

One more thing. Respect is earned. Hitting, yelling, teasing, or rejecting are not respectable. Impatience is not respectable. Anger is not respectable.    

Many parents do unto their kids what what done to them. The spirit of the bully lives on, passed down from one generation to the next, through unaware parents who are acted through by the spirit of violation that got into them when they hated their parents.

 I know what you are going to ask. Did I spank my child? The answer is no. Never. Not once. Did I use time outs. Never. Threats? Grounding? Never.

I home school my child and took evening work so that I could be there during the day when my wife pursued her career. Incidentally my wife is a successful businesswoman and has had a great career. In the evening she was home and I went to work.

Then came tumbling, music, choir, sports, field trips and lots of other fun activities. What was there to rebel against? What was there to be angry over?    

My child graduated from high school at at 13, then took online university courses and entered and won some competitions. At 18, started full time college attending what is generally regarded as one of the top 10 universities in the country on an academic scholarship; graduated magna cum laude, and is going directly from a B.A. to a PhD. Program at another world famous university on a graduate fellowship.

      
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"Roland is an author, counselor, and pastor, and has written the book (now at Amazon.com) on alternatives to spanking. It is called Santa's Take on Parenting: Secrets from the North Pole. It will actually mentor you in learning how to apply Biblical patience and wisdom in working with your kids. It is also one of the sweetest books ever written and is right up there with Miracle on 34th Street as an all time reminder of what love is all about. "

Little kids don't need discipline, they need direction and redirection. They need watching with love, kindness, and patience. Older kids need the loving presence of an involved aware parent. They need mentoring, coaching, boundaries, and a parent who sets a good example. 

I'm going to tell you the truth. Time outs or spanking are poor substitutes for patience and wisdom.

Often after we have become resentful, our patience runs out. Then we feel frustration. If we are not yelling (or worse), we look for some way to force the child to comply. .

We might even resort to a canned, cleverly marketed Orwellian behavior modification program to sugar coat forced compliance. Then there is always the spectre of psychotropic meds.

Incidentally, I don't buy the Biblical argument for spanking. Parenting Freedom has a good article on the subject. Samuel Martin wrote an outstanding book about the subject of spanking and Biblical references.  
Here are some great resource on why not to spank at the excellent Project NoSpank.
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 Written in the tradition of Le Petit Prince and Jonathan Livingston Seagull, this beautiful little book can be read as a heart warming story; but like Le Petit Prince, it also is filled with profound insights and meaning. Santa's Take on Parenting can be read over and over, and it makes a great gift.

• Shadow Santa and Mrs. Claus as they demonstrate their skills in gently but firmly guiding two kids who are visiting with them.


• Find out the secrets to their success.


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Incidentally, just as parenting is a year round job, so is learning and developing your parenting skills! Don't wait until the holidays.

Click here to preview at Amazon.com in both quality paperback and in Kindle.

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"Roland, thank you so much for your book. 
When I heard that you are a pastor, I hesitated to order it because I'm not into religion.  But because I wanted to learn more about why I can't stop resenting my husband so much, I went ahead and got the book. I'm so glad that I did. The advice is very practical, and the book is filled with some beautiful spirituality too. I spent over a thousand dollars to register and fly to an out of town seminar  I could have saved the thousand and got your book instead."  Suzy - San Bernardino  



"The perfect book for troubled couples with different type of problems   .  .   .
 I can assure it will be one of the better books I have ever read."    review of The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage 


Why do couples argue?
How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage?
How can we communicate better?
I’m a Christian but my boyfriend is not.
What is the difference between courtship and casual dating?
My wife asked me to leave.
Why are men the way we are?
What does my wife want?
Can we reconcile?
My wife cheated on me –now what?

Based on over 20 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered. 

Click here to preview the paperback edition at Amazon.com

About the Author

Roland Trujillo, lecturer and author, introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights, the challenges and the mysteries of marriage. For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living. Roland is now bringing his insights, based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.


Look inside the eBook in Kindle at Amazon.com

Here are just some of the topics discussed


The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage

How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam and Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice

The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness


Purchase at Amazon.com in quality paperback for $14.95


Now available in Kindle!

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Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

Click here to preview at Amazon.com in paperback 

Click here to preview in Kindle!

 

This book contains advanced concepts for coping with and resolving difficult relationship issues.

Been married for many years and have some issues? This is the book for you. 

Got kids?

Over 100 pages are devoted to parent and child issues.

Based in 24 years of research and counseling, Dr. Trujillo presents new insights and strategies for healing relationships and resolving stress and unhappiness. Partners, parents, couples considering marriage, and adult children of dysfunctional families will find both practical and spiritual principles to help them move forward to happiness.

Got a budget? For a donation of any amount  I will send you this 315 page book in pdf. attached to an email as a token of my appreciation.