Should Parents Spank their Kids?

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"Should parents spank their kids? "

Absolutely not," says Roland Trujillo, pastor, lecturer, and author of 17 books. "It is totally unnecessary."  

"For 25 plus years I have advocated against spanking. What does spanking accomplish? It introduces the child to fear, to trauma, and often to rage. It turns some children into fearful conformists, and others into rebels because of their hatred of the parent who used violence on them. 

Spanking is a often a euphemism for something much worse. Inflicting harm on an innocent defenseless child is despicable. It is bullying--the evidence of a tyrant, a large person hurting a small person. It is evidence of lack of patience, kindness, gentleness, self control, forbearance, and wisdom.

It is a massive betrayal. 

Here are two things that need to be stated.

Child abuse is a little known contributing factor to violence against women. The male child who is beaten, slapped, spanked, yelled at, teased, or verbally abused by a mother, aunt or older sister is often humiliated and then has life long anger issues and is full of suppressed rage against women. He also has anger and resentment toward his father who stood by and let it happen or who was not there.

A father who spanks and harms a child is quite likely cutting that child off, through the child's resentment, from ever really and truly finding God. In the eyes of a child, father stands in for God. The angry, rigid, violent father does nothing but tempt the child to fear and resent him. The child is being set up for a lifetime of conflict and alienation for his or her true spiritual roots--a person cannot love the Father he cannot see if he hates the father he can see. 

Do you see the cruel irony? The hypocritical parent who uses discipline, teaching character, and even religion as an excuse to do violence to a little child is tempting the child to hate the God that the parent pretends to represent. Worst of all, is when the father, who stands in for God in the eyes of the child, is impatient, rigid, violent or angry.  


Spiritual recovery for the adult child can only occur if he or she is able to let go of the resentment toward the father. 

Any form of violence in the home is wrong and not good. It is unnecessary and counterproductive.

Anger and impatience are also wrong and counterproductive.

I am republishing this blog post with the hope that perhaps a mom or a dad somewhere stumbles on this and says--"what I'm doing now is not working. My child and I are growing apart. The more I punish, the more she rebels. Someday my child will hate me, or be trapped into loving me out of guilt for hating me underneath."

I'm hoping that somewhere there is a parent who out of sheer love for their child is willing to think outside the box and say, maybe there is another way. A way that is based in patience and understanding. God help all the little children who are physically hit, verbally abused, rejected, or who are being drugged with psychotropic drugs.

One more thing. Respect is earned. Hitting, yelling, teasing, or rejecting are not respectable. Impatience is not respectable. Anger is not respectable.    

Many parents do unto their kids what what done to them. The spirit of the bully lives on, passed down from one generation to the next, through unaware parents who are acted through by the spirit of violation that got into them when they hated their parents.

 I know what you are going to ask. Did I spank my child? The answer is no. Never. Not once. Did I use time outs. Never. Threats? Grounding? Never.

I home school my child and took evening work so that I could be there during the day when my wife pursued her career. Incidentally my wife is a successful businesswoman and has had a great career. In the evening she was home and I went to work.

Then came tumbling, music, choir, sports, field trips and lots of other fun activities. What was there to rebel against? What was there to be angry over?    

My child graduated from high school at at 13, then took online university courses and entered and won some competitions. At 18, started full time college attending what is generally regarded as one of the top 10 universities in the country on an academic scholarship; graduated magna cum laude, and is going directly from a B.A. to a PhD. Program at another world famous university on a graduate fellowship.

      
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"Roland is an author, counselor, and pastor, and has written the book (now at Amazon.com) on alternatives to spanking. It is called Santa's Take on Parenting: Secrets from the North Pole. It will actually mentor you in learning how to apply Biblical patience and wisdom in working with your kids. It is also one of the sweetest books ever written and is right up there with Miracle on 34th Street as an all time reminder of what love is all about. "

Little kids don't need discipline, they need direction and redirection. They need watching with love, kindness, and patience. Older kids need the loving presence of an involved aware parent. They need mentoring, coaching, boundaries, and a parent who sets a good example. 

I'm going to tell you the truth. Time outs or spanking are poor substitutes for patience and wisdom.

Often after we have become resentful, our patience runs out. Then we feel frustration. If we are not yelling (or worse), we look for some way to force the child to comply. .

We might even resort to a canned, cleverly marketed Orwellian behavior modification program to sugar coat forced compliance. Then there is always the specter of psychotropic meds.

Incidentally, I don't buy the Biblical argument for spanking.

Here is a good short article on why spanking is not endorsed in the Bible.  The Alliance to Stop the Hitting of Children has lots of links to enlightened organization around the world, a newsletter and much more.  

Samuel Martin wrote an outstanding book about the subject of spanking and Biblical references. 
Samuel Martin shows how Old Testament references are misinterpreted by those who wish to justify hurting children. He looks at the meaning of the Hebrew terms, Judaic law at the time, ans well as the culture. He clearly shows that the use of violence against children is NOT endorsed, nor can it b e justified by Bible texts. 

You can download a free pdf of Samuel Martin's book Thy Rod and Thy Staff They Comfort Me.

Here are some great resource on why not to spank at the excellent Project NoSpank.

Here is the book I have been telling you about Santa's Take on Parenting, and also some other books I wrote which show the benefits of gentleness, understanding, love and patience. 

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 Written in the tradition of Le Petit Prince and Jonathan Livingston Seagull, this beautiful little book can be read as a heart warming story; but like Le Petit Prince, it also is filled with profound insights and meaning. Santa's Take on Parenting can be read over and over, and it makes a great gift.



  • Shadow Santa and Mrs. Claus as they demonstrate their skills in gently but firmly guiding two kids who are visiting with them.

  • Find out the secrets to their success.

  • Discover what Santa's skills are and why they work.

  • Let Santa and Mrs. Claus be your mentors!

Incidentally, just as parenting is a year round job, so is learning and developing your parenting skills! Don't wait until the holidays.



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 Written in the tradition of Le Petit Prince and Jonathan Livingston Seagull, this beautiful little book can be read as a heart warming story; but like Le Petit Prince, it also is filled with profound insights and meaning. Santa's Take on Parenting can be read over and over, and it makes a great gift.



  • Shadow Santa and Mrs. Claus as they demonstrate their skills in gently but firmly guiding two kids who are visiting with them.

  • Find out the secrets to their success.

  • Discover what Santa's skills are and why they work.

  • Let Santa and Mrs. Claus be your mentors!

Incidentally, just as parenting is a year round job, so is learning and developing your parenting skills! Don't wait until the holidays.



Now at Barnes and Noble Nookbook. In color!
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