How To Help Your Child Succeed
As a parent you must look into your heart to find the right measure of giving and withholding, of giving and receiving, of taking charge or deferring, of gentleness or firmness.
No one can teach you this: you must search out the way with attentiveness, kindness, concern (not worry), and prayer. If you really and truly want to do what is right, and honestly admit in your heart that you don't know what to do, and if--and this is the big if--you get your ego out of the way, you will be given wordless intuitive guidance.
Here's an example of understanding. Your son is in his room, but not doing his homework. Normally he does. Instead of barking orders from the living room, you thoughtfully take a look to see what is going on. You see that other kids are outside playing. You notice that today is the first sunny day in weeks. You remember that your son has been sitting in class all day. So you say: "Billy, why don't you get some fresh air and you can do the homework later?" Argument avoided, and everyone is happy (and he does his homework later). Your parenting grade: A
Another scenario. Your daughter is not doing her homework. You take a look and see that she is text messaging silly messages to friends instead. "Give me the cell phone. Do your homework." Firmness and directiveness here; not giving in or excuse making.
No one can teach you this: you must search out the way with attentiveness, kindness, concern (not worry), and prayer. If you really and truly want to do what is right, and honestly admit in your heart that you don't know what to do, and if--and this is the big if--you get your ego out of the way, you will be given wordless intuitive guidance.
Here's an example of understanding. Your son is in his room, but not doing his homework. Normally he does. Instead of barking orders from the living room, you thoughtfully take a look to see what is going on. You see that other kids are outside playing. You notice that today is the first sunny day in weeks. You remember that your son has been sitting in class all day. So you say: "Billy, why don't you get some fresh air and you can do the homework later?" Argument avoided, and everyone is happy (and he does his homework later). Your parenting grade: A
Another scenario. Your daughter is not doing her homework. You take a look and see that she is text messaging silly messages to friends instead. "Give me the cell phone. Do your homework." Firmness and directiveness here; not giving in or excuse making.
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Here's an example from my own life.
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When I was 8 years old, I was invited to a birthday party after school. Being an extremely shy and somewhat lonely child, this was a really big moment. My mother was to wait for me in the car after school to take me to the party. I guess I was excited that day and somehow didn't finish a math assignment. The teacher made me stay after school to finish it (the first and only time in life I ever had to stay after).
I was in a state of panic because my mother was outside waiting in the car. So I just wrote down any numbers that came to mind as answers, quickly handed it to the teacher, and tried to take leave. Teacher called me back, saw what I had done, and started giving me a hard time. I burst into tears and began to sob. I told her about the party and my mother waiting.
I'm sure teacher's heart softened, and she realized in that touching moment that today was not the day to give an otherwise good kid a hard time. She told me to enjoy the party and let me go. Incidentally, I had a good time at the party (and I got A's in math in high school).
I was in a state of panic because my mother was outside waiting in the car. So I just wrote down any numbers that came to mind as answers, quickly handed it to the teacher, and tried to take leave. Teacher called me back, saw what I had done, and started giving me a hard time. I burst into tears and began to sob. I told her about the party and my mother waiting.
I'm sure teacher's heart softened, and she realized in that touching moment that today was not the day to give an otherwise good kid a hard time. She told me to enjoy the party and let me go. Incidentally, I had a good time at the party (and I got A's in math in high school).
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You see, I cannot tell you in advance what to do in any particular situation. But when I am there, I check with my intuition (understanding). Sometimes nothing needs to be done. Sometimes just observing and watching is all that is needed. Sometimes just being there is all that is needed. Other times an action or word is called for. Sometimes "no" with an explanation.
And yes, sometimes bold action is called for. But more often than not, the calm presence of a good authority, a patient thoughtful parent, nips most problems in the bud before they have a chance to develop.
Nevertheless, there are times when taking the computer out of the room, getting rid of rock music or DVD's, no more television watching, a big reduction in socializing, or changing schools or starting homeschooling are needed.
I recently became aware that when a child gets a little behind (and this can happen for a variety of reasons, none of which are the child's fault), the child can simply become overwhelmed. For example, one child missed the classes where it was taught that multiplying two negative numbers results in a positive number. For weeks he fell further and further behind, getting all the answers wrong. He basically flunked out.
Only when his parents realized something was wrong, took him out of public school and put him in a parochial school, did things get better. When he went to the parochial school, he was so far behind most of the other students, he was put in the slow class. Guess what happened! He began to excel, was able to follow what was going on, and got A's in math. This student went on to receive a 4 year academic scholarship to a major university.
I was talking to a business colleague the other day about successful parenting. She said: "make sure you start early." Wise words. If you have a good relationship with your child when he or she is small; and if you have an understanding heart, you are off to a good start. If you continue to be there for your child (instead of abandoning your child to daycare, preschool, or some ambitious or scary school environment), you will avoid a whole bunch of potential problems. If you are vigilant about such things too much television, too many video games, and too much socializing--chances are that big issues will never even develop.
Once your child has conformed to the peer group and pop culture; once he or she looks for support and reassurance from them instead of you, you will begin to lose the natural authority you once had.
Peers, celebrities, educators, boyfriends, and so on become their authorities. Your child learns to be a smart aleck, to take drugs, to have sex, to tease, and to conform to the pop culture with them. And so they become the gods and authorities of your child. Your child will look to them for approval and assurance for what they have made of her. Once this has happened, should you try to intervene, you will be seen as the enemy, as mean, as interfering.
I am not saying that the proper order can't be restored. When a parent who--through suffering and soul searching--begins to wake up to see his or her own selfishness, and takes responsibility for what has gone wrong instead of blaming the child. When the parent is genuinely sorry and desirous to be a good parent from now on--I am not saying that things can't be turned around. Proper order and a good relationship can be restored, and that would be good.
But it is difficult, and may be impossible, if the child is already a teen or young adult, or if a divorce has happened and the child lives with someone else. But even here, love is a very powerful force. And when a parent has a sincere change of heart, the child (who is psychically bonded to the parent) will sense it, even if a thousand miles away. Something good can begin to happen, working within the heart.
Many parents turn their children over to strangers and to too much socializing when they are young. Often most of the day is literally spent with strangers, while mom is off at work. Even when everyone is home, each is off doing their own thing: watching television, sitting in front of a computer, or on the cell phone. The parent becomes a nonfactor. The parent tries to take charge by being mean or bossy, leading to the usual conformity or rebellion.
If the parent does not become a feared and hated tyrant, she becomes the opposite: not respected and not payed attention to. The parent tries punishing. Then perhaps turns the child over to more strangers and Godless authorities, who may prescribe heartless drugs such as Ritalin, Prozac or other soul destroying drugs.
Years of neglect, impatience, errors and so on lead to a lot of guilt. It would be good if this guilt led to a crisis of repentance, where the build up of conflict with conscience leads to a capitulation to conscience, catharsis and resolution.
But here is where 2 things interfere. One is the human tendency to not want to admit we are wrong. We don't like to admit wrong to anyone, even to our God given conscience. So we deny what conscience is wordlessly trying to tell us (just as we deny what our children are trying to tell us when they cry or act out--seeking to make us aware of our lack of understanding).
And so, when conditions develop that can't be denied, the parent may then do a complete about face: become too nice and too easy going, perhaps giving in totally to every demand. All to save face and try to make up for guilt.
Some parents will often rush after their kids, chasing them all the way to the rehab house or the jail, seeking to rescue them so that they can get rid of the guilt for having driven their kids to the streets and drugs.
The second thing that interferes with the healing of the rift between the human and their conscience and the healing of the relationship between the parent and child is the interference and "support" of the world. There is precious little understanding out there. There is the type of support that supports egos.
Just when the parent is beginning to do some soul searching and is willing to consider that she might be impatient with her child or resentful toward her husband, friends rush to tell her that she is just wonderful the way she is, and that the problem is bad kids, her no good husband, or the lack of funding for social and school programs.
Voila. She can dismiss her conscience, feel good about herself and look for someone else to blame. The medical and educational matrix may rush to her aid, so that she can feel good about herself, by pointing fingers at the child who is said to have oppositional disorder or some such thing. The "solution" is then the ubiquitous symptom removal, now in the form of psychoactive drugs. If the child can be treated and drugged; then the parent can feel exonerated.
So I must again say that there is no substitute for understanding. Just remember how you felt when you stood before some angry authority trying to explain something, and they would not listen. Where is the love? Where is the understanding?
The good news is: love still exists. It is in you right now. You have a wordless way of knowing, in the light of intuition which is from God. Right now it wordlessly and silently testifies to the truth of what I have said. The same light that is in me is in you. All you have to do is soften your pride and embrace (instead of rejecting) the conscience that loves you.
Yes, your conscience makes you feel bad (when you see, for example, your own impatience, selfishness or resentment). It makes you feel bad when you see how your meddling and manipulations have made everything worse. But the pain is only temporary. On the other side of admitting your wrong and being sorry is peace and a new lease on life.
For God's sake, don't be the heartless bureaucrat to your own children. Let your heart soften, and then your children will see the face of love. If you don't, then they will go out into world looking for love, and the kind of love there will find be in the form of a pill, a bottle, music, food abuse, promiscuity, or some false leader to follow.
Don't stop here, get the book! For a limited time, for a donation of any amount, get My Daughter Does Not Want to Clean Her Room: a handbook for parents and kids in E book. Find out more.
You see, I cannot tell you in advance what to do in any particular situation. But when I am there, I check with my intuition (understanding). Sometimes nothing needs to be done. Sometimes just observing and watching is all that is needed. Sometimes just being there is all that is needed. Other times an action or word is called for. Sometimes "no" with an explanation.
And yes, sometimes bold action is called for. But more often than not, the calm presence of a good authority, a patient thoughtful parent, nips most problems in the bud before they have a chance to develop.
Nevertheless, there are times when taking the computer out of the room, getting rid of rock music or DVD's, no more television watching, a big reduction in socializing, or changing schools or starting homeschooling are needed.
I recently became aware that when a child gets a little behind (and this can happen for a variety of reasons, none of which are the child's fault), the child can simply become overwhelmed. For example, one child missed the classes where it was taught that multiplying two negative numbers results in a positive number. For weeks he fell further and further behind, getting all the answers wrong. He basically flunked out.
Only when his parents realized something was wrong, took him out of public school and put him in a parochial school, did things get better. When he went to the parochial school, he was so far behind most of the other students, he was put in the slow class. Guess what happened! He began to excel, was able to follow what was going on, and got A's in math. This student went on to receive a 4 year academic scholarship to a major university.
I was talking to a business colleague the other day about successful parenting. She said: "make sure you start early." Wise words. If you have a good relationship with your child when he or she is small; and if you have an understanding heart, you are off to a good start. If you continue to be there for your child (instead of abandoning your child to daycare, preschool, or some ambitious or scary school environment), you will avoid a whole bunch of potential problems. If you are vigilant about such things too much television, too many video games, and too much socializing--chances are that big issues will never even develop.
Once your child has conformed to the peer group and pop culture; once he or she looks for support and reassurance from them instead of you, you will begin to lose the natural authority you once had.
Peers, celebrities, educators, boyfriends, and so on become their authorities. Your child learns to be a smart aleck, to take drugs, to have sex, to tease, and to conform to the pop culture with them. And so they become the gods and authorities of your child. Your child will look to them for approval and assurance for what they have made of her. Once this has happened, should you try to intervene, you will be seen as the enemy, as mean, as interfering.
I am not saying that the proper order can't be restored. When a parent who--through suffering and soul searching--begins to wake up to see his or her own selfishness, and takes responsibility for what has gone wrong instead of blaming the child. When the parent is genuinely sorry and desirous to be a good parent from now on--I am not saying that things can't be turned around. Proper order and a good relationship can be restored, and that would be good.
But it is difficult, and may be impossible, if the child is already a teen or young adult, or if a divorce has happened and the child lives with someone else. But even here, love is a very powerful force. And when a parent has a sincere change of heart, the child (who is psychically bonded to the parent) will sense it, even if a thousand miles away. Something good can begin to happen, working within the heart.
Many parents turn their children over to strangers and to too much socializing when they are young. Often most of the day is literally spent with strangers, while mom is off at work. Even when everyone is home, each is off doing their own thing: watching television, sitting in front of a computer, or on the cell phone. The parent becomes a nonfactor. The parent tries to take charge by being mean or bossy, leading to the usual conformity or rebellion.
If the parent does not become a feared and hated tyrant, she becomes the opposite: not respected and not payed attention to. The parent tries punishing. Then perhaps turns the child over to more strangers and Godless authorities, who may prescribe heartless drugs such as Ritalin, Prozac or other soul destroying drugs.
Years of neglect, impatience, errors and so on lead to a lot of guilt. It would be good if this guilt led to a crisis of repentance, where the build up of conflict with conscience leads to a capitulation to conscience, catharsis and resolution.
But here is where 2 things interfere. One is the human tendency to not want to admit we are wrong. We don't like to admit wrong to anyone, even to our God given conscience. So we deny what conscience is wordlessly trying to tell us (just as we deny what our children are trying to tell us when they cry or act out--seeking to make us aware of our lack of understanding).
And so, when conditions develop that can't be denied, the parent may then do a complete about face: become too nice and too easy going, perhaps giving in totally to every demand. All to save face and try to make up for guilt.
Some parents will often rush after their kids, chasing them all the way to the rehab house or the jail, seeking to rescue them so that they can get rid of the guilt for having driven their kids to the streets and drugs.
The second thing that interferes with the healing of the rift between the human and their conscience and the healing of the relationship between the parent and child is the interference and "support" of the world. There is precious little understanding out there. There is the type of support that supports egos.
Just when the parent is beginning to do some soul searching and is willing to consider that she might be impatient with her child or resentful toward her husband, friends rush to tell her that she is just wonderful the way she is, and that the problem is bad kids, her no good husband, or the lack of funding for social and school programs.
Voila. She can dismiss her conscience, feel good about herself and look for someone else to blame. The medical and educational matrix may rush to her aid, so that she can feel good about herself, by pointing fingers at the child who is said to have oppositional disorder or some such thing. The "solution" is then the ubiquitous symptom removal, now in the form of psychoactive drugs. If the child can be treated and drugged; then the parent can feel exonerated.
So I must again say that there is no substitute for understanding. Just remember how you felt when you stood before some angry authority trying to explain something, and they would not listen. Where is the love? Where is the understanding?
The good news is: love still exists. It is in you right now. You have a wordless way of knowing, in the light of intuition which is from God. Right now it wordlessly and silently testifies to the truth of what I have said. The same light that is in me is in you. All you have to do is soften your pride and embrace (instead of rejecting) the conscience that loves you.
Yes, your conscience makes you feel bad (when you see, for example, your own impatience, selfishness or resentment). It makes you feel bad when you see how your meddling and manipulations have made everything worse. But the pain is only temporary. On the other side of admitting your wrong and being sorry is peace and a new lease on life.
For God's sake, don't be the heartless bureaucrat to your own children. Let your heart soften, and then your children will see the face of love. If you don't, then they will go out into world looking for love, and the kind of love there will find be in the form of a pill, a bottle, music, food abuse, promiscuity, or some false leader to follow.
Don't stop here, get the book! For a limited time, for a donation of any amount, get My Daughter Does Not Want to Clean Her Room: a handbook for parents and kids in E book. Find out more.
